Opposite Action

Using negative emotional prompts for positive outcomes

As with many good ideas, this one came when I was trying to give someone else advice. A friend of mine was asking me about the post-surgical physical therapy I did a few years ago, and so I told her all about dead bugs.

“Cool,” she said. “So how often should I do them?”

“Whenever you catch yourself feeling a wave of angry and resentful,” I joked. “Use that as your prompt to drop onto the floor like a dead bug.”

And then a little lightbulb went off in my head and I was like — holy shit, what if *I* actually did that!? Maybe not with dead bugs and resentment, but with jumping jacks and boredom?!

We all have so many things we know we SHOULD do, but ug it’s so hard to make the time to do new things… especially when we’re all so busy being stressed out, restlessly bored, vaguely miserable, generally unhappy, dealing with floating rage, or whatever your personal favorite miserable brain loop is.

I mean, who has time to move my body, when I’m so busy sitting here scrolling social media, feeling stressed out about the news?! I mean, who has time to do something positive and beneficial to me, when I’m here drowning in FOMO looking at my phone thinking about how everyone else’s life is better than mine?

Like, who has the time to work on that stuff I know would probably improve my life, when I’m so busy over here being fucking miserable!?

What’s that called?

I’d been trying the method on myself for a while, and I figured I couldn’t be the only one — the idea had to have a name! I can’t be the first person to have tried this concept of using a negative or compulsive emotional state as a prompt to do something positive or beneficial.

It turns out what I’m doing is pretty similar to something called “Opposite Action,” and it’s part of Dialectic Behavior Therapy.

As with so many things, once I have a phrase, I can start researching! And oh… you know I did some researching:

So first, it looks like Dialectic Behavior Therapy was originally developed for folks dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder. I liked this description:

“One of the main ideas underlying DBT is that while you may not be responsible for all of the events that have occurred to create the current problem you are facing (however severe), you are nonetheless responsible for effectively solving the problem.”

As part of DBT, Opposite Action was developed as an emotional regulation technique of acknowledging an overwhelming emotion and then transforming it into something more desirable. You don’t deny the emotion, but instead of doing something negative with it, you can transform the emotion into something more beneficial.

I liked this description of Opposite Action:

How to do Opposite Action:

Use Mindfulness to notice the emotion, the action urge (and, if possible, the prompting event and the interpretations of the prompting event).

Ask yourself, is this emotion justified or unjustified?

Don’t suppress the emotion, when we suppress emotions, they just get bigger. Emotions are not the problem — urges and/or intensity are the problems.

Ask yourself, if the emotion is justified, if the intensity of the emotion is justified or helpful. If the emotion is not justified or the intensity of the emotion is not helpful:

Do the opposite of the emotional urge.

Do all the way Opposite Action.

And then I found this awesome list of examples of Opposite Actions: 10 Practical Examples of Opposite Action, and it all started to feel like it was making sense!

Opposite Action example 1: dancing instead of scrolling

Ok, so how about looking at two ways I’m using Opposite Action-esque method in my own life.

Stating the obvious here: my biggest compulsion is social media, and I hit it the hardest when I’m bored and restless. Life feels meaningless and empty? Grab my phone (HA! As if it’s ever out of my hand? Ug) and start scrolling… then find myself an hour later, with life feeling even MORE meaningless and empty. Good work, Stallings.

I decided to try seeing if I could catch myself hitting the social media rat lever, and consciously make the choice to do something different. What if I used that boredom and restlessness as a reminder that I needed some real world stimulation? What if instead of scrolling, I put on headphones and danced around the room for a song?

First it was hard to have the awareness to even catch myself doing scrolling — the misery loop is so mindless that I’m not even conscious of it happening.

But after catching myself a few times and dancing around the room for a few minutes, it became easier to notice. And, better yet — instead of life feeling even more meaningless and empty, I had a sense of movement and warmth, joy and shift.

It’s not rocket science: choosing to dance feels better than mindless scrolling. The action becomes its own reward.

I started trying this method out with other prompts and actions too, and every time… the action became its own reward. It’s not like, “Oh, I do X instead of Y because I should”… it’s “I do X instead of Y because it feels better.” The pleasure becomes its own reward system. The pleasure becomes its own carrot danging on a string — no stick necessary. I don’t dance instead of scroll because I SHOULD, now I dance instead of scroll because IT FEELS BETTER.

Opposite Action example 2: self-care instead of compulsive communication

Here’s another example of how I’ve been using this in my personal life, and warning: this gets deep into both therapy talk so if that’s not your jam, pull your emergency escape cord now cuz here we go.

Y’all know I’m obsessed with how attachment issues play out in adult relationships? One of the things us anxious attachment types deal with is a hypervigilant attachment system.

For me, the symptom of hypervigilance is a physical stab in my chest. It’s an unbearable sensation, usually triggered by a communication snafu that sends me into a panicked tailspin of fear and full-frontal freak-out.

Historically speaking, I’ve dealt with this sensation by doing what many anxious attachment types do: desperate compulsive communication.

I’ve never been the “leave 10 increasingly-unhinged voicemails” kind of person, or even the “send 20 texts that culminate in ‘fuck off you clearly hate me!!!’” kind of person… but let’s just say I understand the emotional sensation that causes people to do those things.

Me, I’m more of a “send a couple slightly overbearing texts and then sit clutching my phone, sweating and freaking out refreshing the screen compulsively” kind of person, y’know?

The last time one of these hypervigilant anxiety pangs hit me, I decided to try something different: instead of desperately seeking communication and care from someone else, what if I used the sensation as a prompt reminding me that what I really needed was to take care of myself?

I turned my phone off (…all the way off), and then did what I’d do if my kid was having a grand mal meltdown: I fed myself, bathed myself, tucked myself into bed, and then talked gently to myself. (Yes, outloud. You guys, I have gone so far off the “zero fucks to give” rails that I can’t be fucked to apologize for how weird it’s gotten over here.)

I’m not going to say I magically felt super awesome… but the panic was definitely less than it would have been. This makes sense, right? Because guess what compulsively sending unanswered texts does? CAUSE MORE PANIC! It’s a loop, yo. So mostly, by choosing an opposite action, I avoided making the situation worse for myself. My self-care did manage to calm me down. (Apparently emotional regulation is a thing you can do for yourself?! Who knew!)

So now I have that in my toolkit: if my attachment system gets triggered, I do the opposite action of what I want to do. I want desperately to communicate and externalize and find a solution outside myself… and instead I focus on self-care and self-nurturing and finding a solution inside myself.

One disclaimer, one concern, and one question

It hopefully goes without saying that I’m not an expert here. I’m a self-help author with a sociology degree from a state school. I’m not a therapist, or an academic, or even much of a researcher.

If you’re dealing with significant mental health challenges, you need to talk to a professional — not take advice from some rando on the internet like me. If the concept of Opposite Action appeals to you, and you’re dealing with emotional regulation challenges that affect your ability to function in daily life, you need to google dialectic behavior therapists in your area, and start getting personal help.

Also, I’m not totally sure about the idea of the action being opposite. I mean, is dancing really the opposite of social media scrolling? I guess I do get that I see one action as unproductive (scrolling) and the other as productive (dancing), and I guess that is opposite… so maybe it makes sense?

Ok, so I’m NOT an expert, and I see that Opposite Action has its limitations… but for those of you who, like me, might just be dealing with some gentle emotional traumas (and really, I feel like that’s most of America right now — UG!), I’d love to hear the ways in which you feel like you could use Opposite Action to transmute your compulsive negative emotional behaviors into positive, proactive, or at least less destructive behaviors.

MY QUESTIONS FOR YOU

• What’s a small that compulsive behavior that you recognize doesn’t serve you?
• What might an opposite action be? Even if it’s not directly opposite, can it at least be beneficial?
• How could you use awareness around your unconscious behaviors to help guide yourself to new, more beneficial behaviors of your choosing?