Scrubbing a stranger 🛀 My twist on Tinder’s disposable dating culture

This essay was originally published in 2017 on offbeathome.com, and then migrated to The Afterglow, my now-retired members-only publication. A longtime reader recently contacted me asking if they could share the article as part of a sex therapy class they’re teaching… so I’m republishing it here for them, but also for you, too.

A couple years after my divorce, I went on a Tinder date. He was a hot guy who worked in the arts, educated, successful, and good looking (dimples! tall! rugged! great hair!).

“What’s something I should know about you before we meet?” I asked him, and he said, “I’m bi. Is that scary?”

“No, that’s awesome!” I said. “Me too! Yay!” and was very excited to meet him.

We met for drinks, and several things quickly became clear:

1. This guy was about a month out from a devastating breakup. Out of respect for everyone’s privacy, I’ll leave out details, but they’re not stuff like “cheating and heartbreak,” they’re more like “predatory crime.”
2. He was positively dripping with grief, betrayal, and (worst of all) shame. Like, I could practically see it. If my divorce deflated me from the inside out, this one’s breakup was oozing out of every pore.
3. There did not seem…