Your favorite story about yourself is a lie

Who wants to try an exercise? This is one I learned from my teacher Jett Psaris, a Bay Area author and therapist. I did a midlife workshop with her a few years ago, and she lead us through this exercise.

QUESTION ONE: what’s your core ego-based quality that’s defined most of your life?

What’s the thing that you MOST identify with? If you had to pick ONE quality that most defines who you are and everything you do, what would it be?

You can answer this question by filling in the blank:

I AM ______________…

You might say things like kind, generous, intelligent, ethical, supportive, fun, successful, creative, loyal, whatever!

My word was “effortful,” which will probably surprise exactly zero of you.

Even if I fail, you can’t say I didn’t try REALLY REALLY HARD. I am #tryhard for life. Forever. So much effort. So impressive! So hardworking! I will tell you over and over again about how hard I work. (Did I mention my grades? Did you see the trophies? Did you validate my validation!?)

QUESTION TWO: What’s that in reaction to?

Now, identify what scary shadow quality was at the opposite end of that spectrum — you have to be X because if you weren’t X, you would be Y.

If the first question was “I AM _____,” the second question asks you to fill in this blank:

…Because I am NOT ___________.

For me, me answer is well, duh: if I wasn’t effortful, I would be lazy. A slacker. Worthless.

Ok, so let’s stop for a moment and rethink that shadow quality.

What if it’s a false dichotomy?

Just consider it for a second — what if the opposite of your core value isn’t some awful quality, but some lovely thing you’ve never even considered?

With my own example, what if the opposite of being effortful isn’t lazy… maybe it’s, uh, receptive?!

This answer may make your head explode a bit, because we’re questioning whether or not your favorite story about yourself makes any fucking sense.

And the answer might be… it doesn’t. Your favorite story about yourself might be a lie.

With my example, what if the opposite of trying too hard all the time isn’t being a lazy failing worthless slacker, but rather, me slowing down and listening enough to actually being receptive to what’s actually unfolding in front of me, instead of all my striving and trying and working so hard all the time that I don’t even notice shit showing up?

Huh.

Another example, from a different person

I first learned this exercise at a midlife crisis workshop I attended. As we were discussing our reactions, a dude across the room from me raised his hand.

“But I don’t want to get into self-sabotage here” he said. “My core quality is ambition, and I don’t want to slow myself down and make myself intentionally fail just to explore some shadow quality, right? The opposite of ambitious is… loser!”

“OOH!” I said, my stupid hand shooting up in the air before I could stop myself. (I tried really really hard not to talk too much in the workshop! Mostly I just sat and cried and took notes and listened and blew my nose a lot, but of course I still talked too much. Know-it-all is probably my second most core value — sorry/you’re welcome, world!)

“I might have a relevant thought!” I blurted out, unable even to wait to be called on. Jett graciously let me share my effortful vs receptive thoughts with the guy across the room.

“Our words are a little different,” I said. “But effortful doesn’t seem that different from ambitious — they’re both egoic identities based on striving and validation from accomplishments. I don’t know about you, but for me, the accomplishments have stopped even feeling validating! It’s just not even working anymore.”

“That’s exactly how I feel,” this guy said.

“Yeah, the ambition doesn’t even feel satisfying,” I said. “And the few times I’ve let things happen instead of driving them, it’s felt way more valuable. So for me I’m trying to figure out if the opposite of effortful is receptive.”

“Woah,” the guy said, and Jett nodded.

“That’s the concept,” she said. “That we each create a false dichotomy of ego-based identities that aren’t even reality.”

“Thank you,” the guy said across the room. “That’s useful for me.”

So what if your opposites aren’t really opposite… and you could integrate the two?

We broke for lunch shortly afterward, and the guy and I ended up having lunch together at what we joked was the “overachievers anonymous” table. Our lives look super different (he’s a world-renowned cardiologist who developed some sort of game-changing heart medication… I write books about weddings and divorces), but our emotional experiences were deeply parallel.

“I even tried taking up photography as a hobby,” he told me. “Because I wanted a creative outlet that felt like it was just for me… but then I started entering photo contests!”

“OH NO!” I laughed.

“I know!” he said. “And I won some, and then I realized I was turning my hobby into yet another ladder to climb!”

Then he told me about how he and his partner got mini donkeys, and that he’d send me pictures, and I said “…but bad pictures, right? Like ONLY crappy snapshots, right?!” and we laughed and laughed.

MY QUESTIONS FOR YOU

• What’s your most primary ego-based identity and its shadow? I AM _______ because I am not _________?
• What if the two words you’ve filled in aren’t actually opposite?
• What’s a positive angle on the second word?